Matter of the heart

Its been quite a long time since I last write in this blog. I do miss writing though, but just can't find the time to sit quietly and write. My house is no longer empty, My sister and her 2 kids and my mom are staying with me now ( guess i've told you about this he he, well I tend to repeat myself, may be it's a teacher thing). I also had the chance to visit Vietnam ( baby steps, baby steps....., like my late husband use to say slowly,slowly kill the monkey. I still don't have any idea why monkey not chicken or fish). My friends planned to go to Perth but I just cannot say anything about this because I have to ask my purse, hu hu sob, sob hope she says ok he he.

The kids are going strong Amir will be sitting for UPSR this year hope he can get good result, Aisyah is 14 now and not very easy to deal with. Omar still mama's boy he he cling to me like baby monkey cling to his mom... ooo I guess that is why my late husband say slowly,slowly kill the monkey he he. I am still , missing him. Still wish I could listen to his laughter, I even miss his cough ( he do cough a lot due to his illness).

As for myself I am also still going strong, no longer the library teacher, phew what a relieved, such a big reponsibility for my to handle. I am a class teacher, Police Cadet Cor teacher, Physics coordinator, physics lab coordinator, Sports clup teacher, and a few more I don't remember and don't want to remember because it would only remind me of the things I have not done.

Met old friends and some make some new friends and one of them is really close to my heart. However I don't think I can be with him.....

I hope 2011 bring more new experience. I welcome 2011 with an open arm and open heart. Eh am I too late, I guess it's better late then never.

Meeting old friends

I hope this old blog of mine still have readers for I've abandoned it like an abandon ship. Sunk and forgotten. I have no excuse for that, I just cannot say I don't have time since I have time to open my facebook. I cannot say blogging is no longer a passion of mine because blogging still gives me satisfaction because here is the place for me to write out my mind. May be I am out of ideas, because writing is not an easy thing to do ( hope some of you would agree with me, please!!!!). I admit I am guilty. I spend more time facebooking for one reason, I found many of my old friends, friends I thought would be impossible to find. Not only meeting them in cyber space some I meet in person and some we plan to meet outside the cyber space. Yuhoooo I am happy.

As we grow older, meeting old friends gives a big impact in our life's. Somehow meeting old friends make us feel younger even if it does not make us look younger(oh how I wish it does, because lately I've been meeting friends in my teens it would be nice to look like teenagers again). Well, sometimes looks had no meaning. Some might differ with me, some might think looks is important because it is the first thing people would notice about us, some might say looks is the window to our soul. Ops! my topic today is not about looks, it is about old friends, thousand apology. Jolly good sir, where was I, Oh! yes old friends make our heart sing old songs, it really gives us a feeling that is hard to describe. Funny thing was, looking at my friends picture, my first impression was, oh they look old, but looking at myself it really occur to me that I am also as old as them. How can I forget that I am old, may be all this while I am in a denial stage, denying that I am old. well I don't mind looking old, it only shows that I am wiser ( is it really the situation, ha ha). So to my old friends nice meeting you again, and looking forward to meet those whom I haven't met. Adios amigos

Enjoying life

I felt that after a very long time, I started to enjoy life again. I cycle everyday and on my kapcai vrooming here and there. I notice many of my friends found new passions, some love to run up to the point they entered running competition some enjoyed entering treasure hunts and some enjoyed travelling to many new places. As for me I really love to cycle but I don't think I would enter any cycling competitions he he. I just cannot cycle fast enough. And my dream is to travel around the world and travel around Malaysia on a bike, alone or with friends I just would not care.

My whole life I never been out of Malaysia except for once when I was 9 my mother took me to Singapore. I really hope one day I could travel out of Malaysia. My first destination would be Mecca performing umrah or haj. After that maybe I would start with Malaysia's neighbouring countries like Singapore and Indonesia. So how do I make my dream a reality. Any suggestions my friends

Hari guru 2010

Hari ini rasanya aku nak ubah bahasa kepada Bahasa Malaysia dan mungkin lepas ni akan diselang selikan bahasa dengan bahasa Inggeris. sekurang-kurangnya dapat aku memantapkan penggunaan kedua-dua bahasa. Selepas membaca karya andrea hirata penulis dari indonesia itu aku menjadi teringin untuk menulis dalam Bahasa Malaysia. jadi ini akan menjadi permulaannya.

Hari guru tahun ini bertemakan hitam, putih dan emas, kombinasi yang sangat pelik. Kenapa aku katakan pelik, kerana kami bukan menyambutnya di hotel tetapi di tengah tapak perhimpunan yang amatlah panasnya kalau panas dan amatlah basahnya kalau hujan. warna emas akan memantul-mantulkan sinaran matahari pada hari yang panas. Ish tak sanggup aku mengalami situasi itu. Aku dan kawan-kawan telah cuba sedaya upaya untuk mencari baju yang memenuhi tema itu, hmm bukan satu tugas yang mudah untuk mencari baju yang berwarna emas di Malaysia ni. Akhirnya kami berpakat untuk memakai baju yang berwarna coklat dengan manik-manik emas. pada mulanya kami bertiga berpakat untuk memakai baju yang sama tetapi pada saat akhir salah seorang rakan aku telah belot.

Pada hari kejadian cuaca sangat elok tiada panas dan tiada hujan, mungkin allah tahu apa yang bergelodak dibenak kami. Tetapi aku merasakan sambutan pada tahun ini agak kurang meriah. entahlah mungkin itu cuma perasaan aku sahaja. Dengan ini aku persembahkan gambar yang sempat dicuri pada sambutan hari guru tahun ini.Inilah masanya untuk para pelajar membuli cikgu-cikgu mereka. bermacam permainan yang agak tidak munasabah mereka rancang untuk kami
Itulah dia siapa yang suruh datang tak bawak kerusi sendiri. Pn Yusnita dan Pn Faizatul bermain kerusi bermuzik.
siapalah seorang guru tanpa anak muridnya. bersama dengan pelajar-pelajr 5S1
senyuman ini mungkin khas untuk seseorang, mungkin juga siapa tahukan.


jangan cepat sangat membuat andaian, ini gambar bersama dengan adik kesayangan kami semua
Ini lah rakan-rakan seperjuangan yang sama sekepala.
bersama salah seorang pengawas, Salwah Rosdi
Kami semua hantu kamera, pantang ada peluang ntah kamera siapa masuk je.Tapi kenapa yang dua lagi tu duduk bersembunyi di belakang aku ye. saje nak nampak kuruslah tu. (Mek Zu, Hasiah tak de maknanya korang duduk sembunyi belakang aku, ini namanya tak dapat terima kenyataan kalau badan tu dah makin naik)
Sedondon sama sepasang, inlah dia three stooges yang kehilangan seorang ahli yang belot
Kawan-kawan semeja. Pn Hasiah Ramli (dialah yang belot he he sorry ye hasiah terkutuk engkau), Pn Norizan, Pn Zunaidah, Pn Sharifah madinah, Pn Zu Aniza (inilah penerima guru paling anggun seisi pagi) dan yang duduk tu siapa lagi kalau bukan akuleh tu. sekian saja persembahan untuk hari ini. Sampai jumpa lagi. Asalamualaikum

Another lost

My brother in law had passed away last Saturday morning after suffering from colon cancer for more than a year. He spent his last few months bedridden.My sister was with him till his last breath. Her children were younger than my mine when my husband died. Her daughter Nana is 8, same age as Omar and her son Danish is 4. Danish is still very young to understand what had happened, but he did ask my sister late in the evening " mama, where is papa". Now our small family had become even smaller with only 3 widower and 5 orphans.

Sometimes it is hard not to feel inferior to others when all you had to give are bad news. I did tell a friend of mine that she had changed, I had no other intention just to tell her how I felt. I know I upset her and I am sorry for what I did, but sometimes when you went through so many hardship in life you tend to be unpleasant to other people especially to your friends. sometimes you become jealous of what they had, I am happy for my friends when they are happy and have a good life, I do but sometimes deep inside me I felt lonely, envy and I felt that my friends don't deserved to be with me for I will only bring bad news and dark cloud to them. So for those whose heart I hurt please forgive me, I never intended to make you unhappy when you wanted to share your happiness with me, it's just me.

Series of unfortunate events

This loyal car of mine has a series of unfortunate events these few weeks. Firstly it was hit by a car. When people say you cannot stop from things to happened they sure are not joking. Because on that day and on that particular time a lady who had stopped driving for 7 year decided to drive her car and also at that particular time I took my sons to have a hair cut ( I've been postponing this for a few weeks). So when our car went face-to face the lady's car decided to touch my car door. What can I do but just look at her looking at me but did not stop her car. I keep my coolness I did not shout at her or use forbidden words. Waited for her to reverse her car, but her car just won't budge.

What the ****(please fill in with the word that you feel is suitable) is she doing. so I got out from my car( How do I manage to get out from my car if she hit my car door which is obviously on the driver's side you might think, It is not easy I have to say) , she also came out from her car and slowly she said, Kak, can you move my car. What! now I had to move her car, actually I pity her, her face is so pale and I saw her children are in the car and also her mother is in it too. I get in her car and reverse it. To make a long story short, she promise to pay for my car damages which had been repaired except for the paint job because I need to use the car.

A week later another unfortunate event happened which involve my car and an Ice lorry. However this story have to wait because I need to get my children to take a bath now. So see you soon.

To potong or not to potong

Yes another re run on broadband. I really had it with mobile broadband. To potong is not my choice because I am already terpotong. As I told you before, my case with Telekom Malaysia, where they refuse to stand another telephone pole near my house since there are only two houses left without fixed line connection. So, I had to use mobile broadband for my internet connection. My first experience with mobile broadband is with Digi, I guess the yellow ghost don't work with Internet because the speed is so slow, I can sleep while downloading and after I woke up my computer still hadn't finish. Then I turn to Celcom, this time it is a bit better, still I wasn't satisfied with the speed, very slow, but this time when I woke up my computer had finish downloading.

May be the known telecommunication co had problem in handling demands, that was what I thought when I change to U mobile. I was their first few customer I presumed because every time I mentioned that I am using U mobile people would ask me, "what is that?". Some thought it is a product from Digi. Excuse me after my experience with Digi, do you really think I would use their product again. U mobile seldom gave me any problem, I used it for two years and I really got a good bargain, because I only need to paid RM 50 to get the USB modem and RM 78 monthly, nothing else. I also am satisfied with the speed for I can watch U tube now even though I still need to wait a few minutes for it to be fully downloaded. However, there is one big glitch, the warranty for the USB modem is only one year. and at exactly the 2nd year my modem is broken. So I decided to change to P1Wimax. So I Potong even though I am already terpotong. Now 2 computer can connect to the net simultaneously ( this I like because less fighting in the house on whose turn to go online). However even though now I am paying more then U mobile which is RM 99 per month, I am really not satisfied with the service because now the speed is slow and also the connection is always interrupted. Arrghh, I had 2 years contract with them so I have to be very patient for this 2 years before I can change to another broadband provider.

gossips

Have you ever gossip about your teachers or lecturers, or should I rephrase it to, who haven't gossip about their teachers or lecturer. I caught my girls gossiping about their teachers in facebook. hmm I guess they forgot they are my fb friends. So, to my girls be careful what you write in your fb, for I might be lurking like a snake in a bush. I was in their shoe once, so I understand but a reminder to my girls teachers are human to, they have feelings. It is okay to gossip about teachers but don't get too carried away. I remember my teachers, some really gave a big impact, some just filling in a chapter in my life. My dream is to be a teacher who can make a change in my students life, however it is not an easy things to do. I give my all when I am teaching, somehow it seems not enough.

office politics

As you grow older life seems more complicated. The person you thought is your friend might be your biggest enemy. It is even harder to trust people, they might stab you at the back anytime. I remember as a student, friends are the person whom I will turn to, when I had a problem.

I have no problem being friends with anyone, but never to close, not like when I was studying. When you befriend with everybody, it is confusing because people seems to want you to be on their side. I am the quiet type of person, I love to listen rather than talk and I guest it is the reason why I can get along with anybody. When people said bad things about other people I just let it passed through me. I also had hearing problem, I can't hear well( guess it come with age and listening to walkman during my younger day has it's effect) , in this case it is a blessing because when people talk about others I just nod but the truth is I just cannot hear clearly what they are talking about.

Office politics is a very dangerous thing, it can make your working life miserable and even worse it can jeopardise your job. Some people can be so cruel and very selfish, and most dangerously when these type of people started to gang up. They can say nice things to you but 2o minutes later they trash you out behind your back.

Have you ever met such people?

facebook anyone

I've joined facebook, so when the school session started my students would say " hah teacher you have facebook ye" many of them had became my friends, many of them were my ex-students whom i have lost contact with. It is amazing how small the world had became, no matter where you are, you can still be in contact with anybody you want and sometimes it feel as if they are next door.

Even though facebook amaze me, somehow for some reasons I seems to not be able to write there. I don't know what to write there. Some people write almost everything they did everyday, some just want to show off their loved ones, some love to send hugs and kisses like zanas ( thanks for all the hugs and kisses, I 'm still waiting for the scrapbook though). As for me it seems to be nothing interesting to share even when if there is, I would prefer to blog about it.

One of the reasons why I don't like to write updates on facebook is because all my friend are there, my students are there, my ex school mate are there my ex collage mate are they my blogger friends are there hmm everybody are there so I felt a bit inferior may be because my life is not as interesting and as successful as them. I use to be a shy and timid person and still is I guess. I am more comfortable with my blogger friends.

So what about you , what do feel about facebook.

You want me to do what?

Hmm, a friend of mine ask me to be her spy. She ask me to spy on her husband. Should I do it, should I not. She came to me asking if I want to have a free meal at a restaurant, which I immediately agree( well I think that is what most of us would do, wouldn't you). But it turn out, she is paying me to spy her husband there.
What! Spy on your husband. What if he saw me, you know your husband knows me don't you.

Alah Rita, just act casual lah. By the way you must take their picture use your handphone lah.

Weh! are you carzy how am I going take the picture, I cannot simply take picture of him and his friend. Or may be I would just go to them and politely ask their permission to snap their picture. Can I do that he, he.

Rita, pleaselah and one more think don't tell anybody. (Alamak I already told you, I think this does not count as you don't know her kan)

You really are crazy, don't you trust your husband, apparently not.

Rita promise me you are not going to tell anybody.

Oklah but I have to think it over. i'll tell you later OK.

That' better, Ok Rita

So should I do it?

My sister

This year is not a good year for my sister. As I had wrote earlier this year, her husband is diagnosed with colon cancer and it had already reached stage 4. Now her husband had been in and out of the hospital. My sister now had a job alhamdullilah. Whenever her husband is in the hospital she will sleep at the hospital and go to work form hospital. Really I pity her, not only because of her husband's condition but also with her financial situation. Her debt now is to big to handle. The banks kept calling her.
Her daughter , Nana is 7 , same age as Omar however she looks more matured than her age. From the way she talk, you can sense that she is worried about her father, thinking of her future. She is overprotective of her little brother. I also noticed that she is much more thinner than before, when asked why she don't want to eat, she would say that she just don't feel like eating. Her exam result also deteriorate, she would say that she is worried of her father.
As for my children they did not saw they father suffers, but my niece and nephew see their father's condition deteriorating. My BIL is very weak and thin and now in the hospital.
Now all we can do is to pray things will be better for them. Sometimes I feel helpless for I cannot do anything for them. I once tought of withdrawing my late husband's money to pay for my sister's debt but my friends advice me not to do it because that money is not mine, instead it is my children's and it is a big sin if I do that. So I did not proceed with it.

Don't you want to remarry

Don't you want to be married again, it seems that, it is the question I get a lot lately. Just last week the same question came out from my mother's mouth, really caught me by surprise. Frankly I like the way life is going right now. Even though it is not easy to raise 3 growing children on my own, I found life is simpler this way.

Furthermore If I married again will my new partner love my children and will we be happy. My MIL also post the same question not to me but to my mother. It seems that she is interested to partner me with my brother in law who is coincidentally still single. To me, it is a bit weird and also at the same time funny. Luckily she did not ask me personally because I would not know how to answer her. Somehow I can still feel the present of my late husband so i guess I am still not ready. Yes that would be my answer.

Imperfection

I cried every time I watch this ad. Really it is the small things that I remember, the little imperfection that make him perfect for me.

Andai ku tahu

Aku takut akan semua dosa-dosa ku,
aku takut dosa yang terus membayangi ku

mumbling

I broke my own promise to my self, because I promise my self to write more posting in my blog but I broke it. What can I do, I am only human or can we say to err is human as an excuse to break promises, to come late or to make mistakes. When are we going to start and put the blame on ourselves. Being human is not an excuse to make mistakes because if it is, what about animals are there not allowed to make mistake or do they make mistake, hmmm now I wonder do animal make mistake, What do you think? But to think of it we have the ability to think better, we have the ability to feel emitions, then why can't we take responsibilty of our own mistake why do we say it is normal for human to make mistake. Sorry to write nonsense well what can I say I am only human.

Finally

Yeah!!! Finally I submitted my project paper for my masters today. Yoooooo hooooo. Alhamdullilah I nearly gave up but with the encouragement from my family and my husband's family finally I succeeded. Hopefully I can continue blogging after this, I felt free, felt like jumping around.

Today on my way back from Tanjung Malim I saw someone really resemble my late husband, I nearly hit a BMW trying to take a glance at him. Really missed him, somehow felt a part of me missing.

So hope to see you all soon.

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

 The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,  why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 One student, however, wrote the following:

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one
of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 So which is it?

 If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over!
The corollary of this theory  is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,  last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

 THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 Are you laughing ??????

Another sad news

Last week my BIL went for an operation due to blocked intestine. So my sister took care of him while I stay with the kids at home. I was supposed to brought the kids after the operation. around three my sister called crying, I automatically suspect something really bad had happened and the news was the operation went well but my BIL is diagnosed with colon cancer stage 4 and the doctor predict with chemotherapy he can live for one or two years.

I rushed to the hospital, my sister was crying and when she saw me she ask why did god test us like this, first my father then my husband and now her husband. I have no answer to that, but I told her that we should not question god's will. We should be thankful that the operation went well and her husband is still alive. The doctor can predict but everything is Allah's will. When I got home her children keep asking for her and their father. My niece is now in standard one same like Omar and her brother is only 4 years old, still to young to understand what is happening.

I hope my sister can be strong for her husband and children, unlike me she is pampered during childhood. Now I am trying my best to find her a job because she need to be able to support herself and her children if the worse happen. Her husband is going to need constant attention and support. One big problem now is her husband refuse to undergo chemotherapy.

I am a bad mother

How do you feel if someone says that your fail to raise your own kids and that someone is your own mother. I love my mother, i do, but sometimes things that she said just make me want to arggggh. I don't know whether I should continue writing or must I stop. I know it is not good to say bad things of your own mother but comparing me with her, with how she raise us and how badly i did with my own kids is not fair. May be I am not as strict as she use to be with me, may be I have to keep repeating to my children, may be sometimes they did not do the things I asked them to do promptly, but does that make me a bad mother. I am always under pressure every time my mother come compared to when my MIL visit me.

I don't know why I did not do a good job in raising my kids, i don't know why I fail but mak don't you think I tried. Mak how would you feel if when you scolded your son, he cried and hid behind the cupboard and begging for his father to comeback. I stop scolding them since that, instead I asked them softly, may be I have to repeat, may be I have to remind them many times but I know my children will do the things I said eventually. I am sorry mak, I know you meant good. I know I am who I am now because of you and I am grateful that I have you as a mother, but don't you think I know my children better. Please let me raise them my own way.