The first time.

Talking about mother's day bring me back to the day I entered motherhood. The first time I knew that I was pregnant I was happy but afraid at the same time. Happy because I will become a mother and afraid because i don't know anything about becoming a mother. I was lucky , I did not have morning sickness I can eat anything in fact i ate everything and I gained 20 extra kg. I was very worried, thinking a lot of what if, what if the baby did not survive, what if I rolled in my stomach when I sleep, and many other what if. On the due date I delivered a healthy 3.5 kg baby girl. (wonder where the extra 16 kg goes, ops there it is , in my hip, my tummy and almost every inch of my body)

When my husband iqamat the baby, I can hear his voice trembling, oh his first daughter Alhamdulillah. The nurse let me take a look at the baby and let me kiss her. I did not feel the love for my own baby and I was afraid to be left alone with her. My mother took care of me for the whole 40 confinement days. When my mother went out to send my father to work in the morning, I was afraid that my baby would wake up and cry. I was helpless, I didn't know what to do when my daughter cries. I never bath my baby during my confinement. I tried to breast feed her however I failed I was very frustrated. Having my mother handling everything for me does not help either. When my baby cried my mother will came to the rescue. My daughter is her first grand child. My mother even want me to let her take care of my daughter, the problem is she live 300 km away from me, so I decide take care of my own baby and I never regret it.

When my daughter is four months old I found out that I was pregnant again. I was not prepared for it. However I accept reluctantly. There are times I felt guilty to my daughter because I did not gave her the love she deserved but deep inside of me she is my first baby. Now my daughter is 11 the love grew everyday but sometimes I do feel there is a distance between us. I hope that my daughter would forgive me for being less a mother that she hope me would be and Aisyah mak do love you very very much.